is the pain worth it?

As previous posts have expressed, these past few months have been very difficult for me. I moved to a new place, with very few friends. Insecurities have welled up as I have experienced spiritual attacks while working at Exodus. There is still some darkness that I am walking through right now. At times I came to a breaking point, asking myself if I could deal with the pain any longer. Was the pain worth it?  Rest assured, I never got to a place of even thinking about ending it all, but I did wonder if I could make it through much longer with the amount of pain I was dealing with. What was God trying to show me in this time? Where was He?

Today, my pastor spoke about how we define our life experiences. Do we talk of certain events in our past as if they tore us down, or do we look at them as experiences in which we rejoice because God showed up and grew us up in unimaginable ways? When bad things happen to us we have only two options in how we respond: we give up and are hopeless or we trust in God and are hopeful. How will we define difficult times in our lives?

I know that this season is a difficult time for me. I hurt and ache at times, but I have the choice to allow it to weaken me or to strengthen me. Yesterday I got on a ride at Epcot that described how humans live with the land in a hopefully cooperative way. When we first entered the ride after loading onto the boats, the narrator came over the speakers above us and described the scene straight ahead. There was a copious display of vegetation, and towering plants with an animated screen in the background flashing like a strobe light to resemble the thunder and lightening sounds coming from the hidden speakers. As we floated towards this scene the narrator said, “The approaching storm may seem violent and destructive to us, but to nature it’s a new beginning.” I thought this fit well with our life circumstances.

So many times the approaching storm of struggle and strife seems violent and destructive, but to the Creator it is an opportunity to grow us and bring us into a new beginning, one that has matured us and has provided us the strength to respond differently and more wisely the next time a battle comes. I never asked to struggle with homosexuality, nor did I welcome the struggle with jovial anticipation. But through the years of walking my journey to being more like Christ, I can see through the storm there was a steady presence of light walking right alongside me, and that was the Holy Spirit. I look back on the approaching rain clouds and I’m thankful for what transpired way back then, in order to bring me to this moment.  I’m not perfect by any long stretch, but God has molded me into a shape that is more like Jesus today than it was six or seven years ago. If He could be faithful to me during these past few years then why can’t He be in what I am struggling with right now?

I don’t think God gives us more than we can chew. He wouldn’t allow some ordeal to happen that He knew would break us, because He is a God of love who wants to push us ever closer to perfection, not leave us caked in mud and despair. He wants to see us triumph, not wallow in defeat. He wants us as His cherished prize. Would He really allow us to go through disparaging circumstances knowing full well that we couldn’t handle it? That would not bring his desire to fruition, which is making us his special possession – perfected and made whole. Clearly we do have a decision to make. But the decision He wants us to make with every distress is to turn to Him and lean on Him and His understanding. Then we can make it through and out the other side sculpted ever more beautifully in the image of our Creator.

But back to the narrator’s statement on the ride – the approaching storm may seem violent and destructive to us, however God already has authority over it. God is omnipotent and lives eternally in the past, present, and future at the same time. He knows what struggles, agonies, and difficulties are headed our way. He isn’t surprised when someone loses his or her job, or when someone like me deals with same-sex attractions and insecurities. He knows it before hand and it doesn’t unsteady Him. Isn’t it amazing that when things are going great our relationship to God is going great…but as soon as we hit a train wreck, our relationship with God crashes right along with that train? Maybe this isn’t something you can relate to, but I most certainly can.

Maybe certain things happen as sort of a hammer to our hearts and our heads. God is trying to wake us up. “Hey, don’t get too comfortable. You need to lean on me and depend on me for everything. You just trust me and I will make it all right.” Perhaps it’s a test of our true character. Are we going to stand on a solid foundation when the winds come crashing down on us? Or are we going to hunch over in the foundation of sand and fall over when the wind hits? I think God wants us to do the former.

Many of us are experiencing financial struggles right now. Some have lost jobs and are on the lookout for that one job that never seems to fall in their lap. Some may be striving for holiness and just seem to fall short every time. But no matter what the circumstance, be encouraged! Easier said than done right? But we should be so encouraged in knowing this: “He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation; for in him all things in heaven and on earth were created, things visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or powers—all things have been created through him and for him. He himself is before all things, and in him all things hold together” (Colossians 1:15-17 NRSV, emphasis added). All things in creation hold together in Christ. He has authority over every situation, every financial crisis, and every insecurity. We just have to realize it and embrace it. If we approach an impending storm, let’s remember that Christ already has authority over it and let’s face it with an enthusiasm to grow.

Is the pain worth it? Absolutely. Is the pain worth me growing closer in dependence on Christ? Most definitely! Is the pain worth it when I am humbled by a struggle and I have to cry out, “Lord I can’t do this without You”? Of course.  I won’t always be enthusiastic but I do know now, thanks to my pastor’s sermon that I have a choice in how I respond to any negative circumstance: will I lose all hope and miss the opportunity to grow even more into the man God has called me to be, or will I trudge forward in total faith and dependence on the God of the universe who promises He’s in control and embrace the gracious opportunity to mature spiritually?

When I look back on this season 10 years from now I hope to I be so very thankful that I learned from this time, that I grew and matured, and that my relationship with Christ was richly deepened. I want to thank God for this experience and say in due time, “I define that moment in my life back in the fall of 2008 as a time when I gained a better understanding of who God is, and He grew me up into the man I am today. And for that I am thankful.”